Portland — Not as cool as Philly.

So currently I’m on vacation. I’m exploring the west coast. I started in Portland, OR for the Ubuntu Live conference (which was awesome, but not worth the $600 I would have had to pay if I wasn’t a student). There was a lot of cool stuff and cool people there. They keynotes were very good. I’m not going to go in depth about the conference because people were blogging it all around me. You can probably find 100 blogs about it. So each day I spent a few hours after the conference exploring Portland. It’s a pretty cool city, but for how much hype surrounds it, it’s not that cool. Everyone says Portland is Bike City, USA, but from what I saw, they’re all a bunch of pussies. They all (yes I’m generalizing) ride cruisers and stuff, I only saw a few fixies riding around. They don’t even do critical mass anymore!?!? WTF is that. They have bike lanes and bike friendly riding so they feel like Critical Mass isn’t necessary. WEAK. Really, Portland, you guys are /not/ hardcore. Now you can get on my case about having a blog post about learning to skid stop and not being able to track stand for more than 30 seconds, but I’m learning, I just started riding fixed at the end of May. And I jumped right in and started riding fixed around Philly, up and down Broad Street, I never got coddled with Bike Lanes and cars who are afraid to hit you. Other than how /weak/ bikes in Portland are, the city was pretty cool. I met some cool kids including one kid named Nick who was nice. Oh, and in general, Portland isn’t a very good looking city. Most people I saw were pretty average looking, why would I want to move somewhere where I’m exponentially more attractive than the majority of the population, that’s just asking for trouble.

Tuesday night I took the Amtrak up to Seattle, where I am now. Amtrak trains (at least the one I was one) are very uncomfortable. I’m not looking forward to the 22 hour ride to San Francisco. The good part about the train sucking was that I couldn’t sleep so I a) finished my book and b) made friends with the chick next to me. She was pretty cool. I think her name was Sara? Something like that. We just chatted for most of the ride, made it go by much quicker.

So finally we made it to Seattle, WHICH ROCKS!! Seattle is wwaayy better that Portland. I was talking to some kid I met on the street, he was telling me their last critical mass had around 1000 people and they took over an entire highway!!! That’s epic as hell. I’m so stoked for this Friday. Unfortunately I have to ride my cousin’s mountain bike instead of my own bike, but transporting a bike via plane is a major hassle. I also went up in the Space Needle.Space Needle Very cool, but pretty expensive. It was close to $20 to go up, I did get some epic shots though. The lady who works there pointing stuff out said you can see Bill Gate’s house from the telescope, I asked her were Steve Balmer lives (so I can egg his house), but she didn’t know. Finally, Seattle is WAY better looking that Portland. Everywhere you look there are attractive people (men and women) hanging out. Feels like home.

So conclusion: Seattle – Very Cool. Portland – Not nearly as cool as it’s hyped to be. Philly – What every city should aspire to be like.

Now playing: American Steel – Fargo
via FoxyTunes


15 Responses to “Portland — Not as cool as Philly.”

  1. whitenoisemachine Says:

    alex, you’re not so tuff yerself. i love you

  2. whitenoisemachine Says:

    post all of the pictures to flickr! i want to see them!

  3. zach Says:

    its funny how fixed gear riders consider all other self sufficient transportation as inferior. Do you think the people in Portland that do not ride fixed gears should just drive cars instead? If so–you are pretty fucking stupid.
    take care–good luck learning how to lock up those knees and becoming one of the elite!

  4. lamalex Says:

    Zach: I didn’t say anything like that. I love all bikes, but for literally years, I’ve been hearing stories about how amazing the “bike scene” is in Portland, It just wasn’t that I had in my head and I was disappointed. I don’t solely ride a track bike, I ride a cruiser, a tandem, a road bike, a mountain bike, and there is a BMX in my garage, although it rarely gets ridden. I also like roller blading and walking. So I’m well versed in the art of self-sufficient transportation.

    My only beef with Portland is that they’re not hardcore, and they’re not, they’re all REALLY freaking nice, oh, and I thought that Portlanders were, in general, kind of ugly. Sorry buddy, rtfa, then comment. What is this, Slashdot?

    P.S. You’ll notice that pretty much everything I write in this blog is sarcastic.

  5. Portland Lover Says:

    Please share your opinion about Portland with as many people as possible. That way, maybe people will stop moving here en masse and driving up the cost of living. Thanks!

  6. Inconspicuous Leopard Says:

    Werd- Seattle is the shit. I thought portland was pretty small, but I like how everyone there wears even more black than people here in Seattle.
    Our bike punx kick ass. Thank you for recognising how attractive our denizens are.. especially when they are on bikes. If for some unfortunate reason I find myself back on the east coast, I will be sure to check out Philly first thing.

  7. Nah Brah Says:

    You are a joke. Your thoughts are garbage. Wake up you miserable human garbage

  8. The BZA Says:

    Dude, I’m not sure why you think riding fixed gear is so earth-shatteringly different than riding a regular bike that you’re a badass for “jumping right in” riding “up and down Broad Street”–which, by the way, although lacks bike lanes, has fucking ENORMOUS BREAKDOWN LANES, you god damn pussy–but you should probably reevaluate.

    The point of critical mass is pretty much not to need to have critical mass anymore. Get a job, hippie.

  9. lamalex Says:

    Why the hell is this post still getting commented on? Did someone on bike forums link to this or something?

  10. Nice hat. Says:

    Fucking weak.

  11. yea nice hat Says:

    This guy is like 3 years behind, we laugh at people like you. Get with it son. Critical Mass died when Portland’s mayor joined all those clowns for a bike along. I hope someone steals your shitty ass bike in Philly.

  12. applesbear Says:

    You guys are all fuck ups that build your lives around a bike which is a tool. So maybe you need to GET lives and stop BEING such a tool.

  13. convinced to never go to philly Says:

    Wow, this is the lamest blog post I’ve ever seen. Portland is an amazing city. How could you have any grasp on the bike culture, or anything about the city after being there for only a few days? And not that fixed gear bikes are any sort of measure of coolness, but this city is infested with them, something you probably didn’t see because you aren’t from here and don’t know where to go. One thing is for sure, after reading this I am now weary to go ever go to Philly if it’s filled with lame-asses like yourself.

  14. you're a dick Says:

    dude, i’d like to see you on a greyhound if you hate on amtrak you fucking rich pussy.

  15. lamalex Says:

    You’re a dick, I find the greyhound to be more comfortable than Amtrak. It’s not a space issue, it’s the actual seat itself.

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